And you lose it all.

Hmm.. It's been a really long time since i last blogged here but i guess cause life's been pretty good since then and i had nothing really to say. Senior year looks good. And i have a few relationships starting.  So over all its been pretty good for the past year or so.


 



Oh yeah i loved this comic and it has nothing to do with my posting but its just great. You have to see the discovery channel commercial to really understand though.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5BxymuiAxQ

I'm bringing Xanga back - drop a comment if you're with me!

As I awoke this morning, put on my clothes, and walked out to the subway it struck me that I would make a terrible female. If twenty three years and nine months ago a XX sperm hadn’t been boxed out by the winning XY squad then I would be Meghan and be living a completely different life no doubt. But this isn’t to hypothesize as to what my life would be like, nor a backhanded way to critique what could be perceived as flaws in the female character, but to recognize and acknowledge just how difficult it must be to make it in this world as a card carrying member of the XX crowd – and to wake up thanking my dad every day for the opportunity to live as a man.

And now, Why I’m Glad I’m No Woman:

1. Female Function:

The irony behind spending all day desiring vagina is that I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I had been born with one (and not in the way you’re thinking). I’m just straight up at a loss for words at how completely difficult it must be to maintain that thing as it seems like there is just so much that can go wrong with it. Let’s get the obvious out of the way here – you grow and carry around a baby for nine months as it does all kinds of fucked up shit to your body. Good god, I can’t commit to dog sitting for two weeks (and let’s not talk about the few unfortunate goldfish that got stuck with me at some point in their suddenly brief life), and your body is designed to carry around one or more humans for what can be years of your life. Now chalk up my irresponsibility and fear of commitment to immaturity, the only benefit to pregnancy (besides the obvious result of bearing child) is eating whatever you want. But I do that now anyways, and when you’re preggers in this health conscious culture you need to consider just what you want to be feeding your unborn. Plus you can’t drink or smoke for nine fucking months? And I imagine a cold stiff one is all you want the whole time. I can’t even go nine days.

And to avoid pregnancy (there’s always abortion, but ye gods I don’t want to go there – it’s just another reason why no male should have any choice in the matter), you could go on birth control. I tried to take a vitamin every day but barely lasted a week. Maybe my vitamin c count is below average, but the consequences for not taking a magic pill AT THE SAME TIME everyday is A BABY. Plus, can you imagine going on a routine with that pill like an AIDS patient with their ACT, and not be getting laid? I think that would derail/motivate me more than anything, like having the ability to fly at the same time I’m scared of being outside.

Another fantastic consequence to be responsible for fucking with your natural menstruation cycle is this horrid phenomenon called “spotting.” So you’re telling me that not only am I using drugs for tricking my uterus into cleaning house once a month regardless of visitors, but it’s going to further punish me by randomly ruining my favorite underwear without warning at any given time? That shit’s fucked up and when I first heard about it I could only begin to understand how paranoid I would be – my uterus could strike at any time!

So enough with babies – every time women have sex they have to piss shortly afterwards to prevent infection! How is that little health tip breached? I learned from afternoon sitcoms that all I had to do after sex was roll over and go to sleep, but you never see a woman run for the toilet on prime time! Even with infections and toxic shock and birth control pills and spotting under control, there are still a million more things that can go wrong down there! Men and women tend to share a lot of the same STDs, but with shit like HPV (and I know there’s more), there are diseases that guys never know they have, are never affected by, and can pass on and kill women! The worst consequence of sleeping with me should be a hangover, morning awkwardness, a walk of shame, and social ridicule – never death!

It comes down to the fact that for the female gender, sex is a far bigger risk and commitment then for men. This biological fact has trickled down and affected EVERYTHING attributing to the differences between our genders. Men are programmed to impregnate as many women as possible and women are programmed to find the balance of great genes and caretaker ability and hold him down for life. Both genders will eternally struggle against that natural instinct in the age of birth control and promiscuity.

Plus – another thing. Boobs. Sure guys might suffer some penis envy when comparing oneself to a certain porn star, and often boast (usually unfounded) at length about their length, etc. but unless you’re streaking down the hall (and slow) there is no public display of inadequacy. However, a woman’s chest is generally on display for everyone to scrutinize and I can’t begin to imagine how those racks on either extreme (huge or minimal) have to deal with the wide array of judgment, lust, and competition out there. You might tell me that women aren’t as self conscious about their chests like men are with their genitals, but I’ve heard boob jobs have never been more popular, and I can’t support that shit. Also, breast cancer is horrible and very public whereas I could switch out a nut for a bouncy ball and not notice the difference. Plus running without a jock strap is nothing compared to doing so without a sports bra.

In conclusion on this point: I was born, circumcised, and since haven’t had to care for my male genitals more so than my elbow. I’ll take a few cheap shots to the nuts over childbirth (or as I hear, stretching my lips over my head).

2. Looking presentable is time consuming and co$tly for females.

As I mentioned earlier, I can wake up, pick up the clothes off the floor, and walk out the door. The necessary maintenance for myself (and I’m talking minimum here) includes:

- a $12 haircut every two for four months

- replacing a razor/shaving cream every other month

- a bottle of hair gel each year

- a bottle of Pert Plus and Body Wash a month

and LITERALLY that’s it. When I’ve worn every article of clothing I own, I walk downstairs and shove everything into a giant laundry machine and after a drying cycle replaced them in my room. That’s laundry and that’s about once a month as well. I can exist with a nail clipping here and there, on a load of laundry a month and a trip to Duane Reade every other. I’m no movie star or gorgeous athlete, I’m just an average looking male whose day to day consists of little more than a shave and a shower.

Women, on the other hand, might be able to get away with running out the door once in a while, but spend almost equal time preparing for leaving the apartment as they spend on the outside.

Let’s start at the top.

Haircuts for women are pricey. Sure, I might have a few options when figuring out how to style my hair, but the possibilities for females are endless – I can’t even wrap my head around it. For that, they pay way too much money too often at the salon for a cut, at the store for products, in the bathroom/bedroom for washing, drying, and styling purposes. Then when you go out, it’s windy, and all been done for naught. When I’m feeling wild, I squeeze some goop in my hand and run it through my hair that’s been shampooed and conditioned by one product. Done.

Aside from eyebrow plucking, face waxing, mascara, foundation, blush, eyeliner, lipstick, blah blah blah, a woman is never satisfied with her face, which is why we rarely get to see it al natural. All that money is spent on creams and cosmetics and pain to put on a face and take it off daily, everyday. And like most painters that can’t leave well enough alone, the imperfections are covered up with more imperfections and the makeup just piles on until it’s beyond excessive. I am eternally grateful for the option to not have a mirror in my place and coming to grips that I wouldn’t be able to change anything anyway.

Then we get to the wardrobe. I can mix and match shirts and pants, shirts and ties, etc. All I need is a brown/black belt/set of shoes and a suit. I know exactly what is expected of me at a formal, business, and casual event and can match it easily. There is little demand to be creative and successful outfits are often repeated. I don’t know where I’d find the money or closet space to meet the demands placed on the women of our fashion focused culture. You will never have enough shoes, dresses, outfits, or accessories and we all know this. I celebrate the fact that as long as I’m socially presentable I’ll never have to go beyond dressing to impress on a daily basis. I can change clothes in less than a minute and not have to question how I look because 94% of the people that will see me that day won’t give a fuck. Not so for women. You judge yourself, you judge each other – it’s something you expect and demand. There’s nothing more I can say about your clothes except that I would never be accepted by better dressed people if I were a girl.

Men are hairy. I like that. Even when we don’t shave we look ok, whereas women are presumed hairless from eyelashes down and that’s a lot to live up to. If I had to shave my legs everyday just to leave the house I might just move to someplace North where it’s cold all the time. Plucking, waxing, shaving, creams, etc. etc. you’re a slave to the standard. And you know what? It’s nice. You’re soft, smooth, sleek, and beautiful in all the ways men are not and that’s what makes me a heterosexual. There’s really nothing I can say or do or think to change this fact that I’m just super happy it’s ok for me to be hairy. I embrace it today as I embraced it a decade ago – I’m just glad I don’t have to do it.

And finally, in this category at least, your bodies: Women, I presume, are under pressure to have big boobs, no waist, nice ass, toned legs, et al. I’d say it’s a fact that where a guy can manage a larger waistline, a belly is very exaggerated on a woman. It’s in part due to the way dresses and tight tops are made for women, or how exposed midriffs happen frequently, but it’s noticeable. So, not only are you shilling for manicures, pedicures, facials, “getting your hair done,” more shoes, shirts, dresses, purses, jewelry, etc. but if you aren’t in a gym, you’re doing something wrong. The big man is respected, the big woman mocked – that’s just how it is. Watch a Hungry Man commercial then flip to Kristie Ally hawking weight watchers products. How terrible that on top of your stomach crunches you shouldn’t be drinking beer or eating wings or enjoying carbs and calories? Case in point – the King of Queens (big man Kevin James) and his super hot wife.

And if you do all of this right? You’re wearing the right power suit to command respect and attention whilst still asserting your womanhood, trimmed, styled, and primped to feel the confidence you need to do anything, and? The end result is you’re still hit on by some sleazy drunk guy at the bar. Well, hey, you get free drinks and you might as well stay out, it took you over an hour to get ready to leave anyhow.

3. Female role models?

My last point in this long winded rant, and before you jump all over me here, is that I’m glad to be a guy because they public figures I want to relate to are guys. Now, hold on, think for a minute. What are some of your favorite bands? Favorite tv shows? Favorite writers? Favorite celebrities? It’s natural to want to be them and when you’re singing along; it’s a guy’s voice isn’t it? I’m selfish to want my karaoke attempt to be in the same tone as the original artist. I’m selfish to read and want to relate to my favorite writers because even though they’re gay (Sedaris, Palahniuk, Burroughs) they’re still guys. How many famous comedians are of the XX clan? We all know Silverman isn’t really that funny. Simply put, the media is still dominated right now by men. Women are taking an edge, but I’m still in the majority. I mean, perhaps I’m naturally drawn to guys BECAUSE I relate to them, but I wouldn’t be surprised that women have more men on their bookshelves, in their ipods, and next to the tv. I’ll take Indiana Jones over Tomb Raider and James Bond over Devil Wears Prada.


To conclude this whole damn thing, I just want to say I love women and I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the pressures on the gender as a whole and don’t think I would be able to hack it. I’ve gained a new respect for you all because you put up with us. I can understand being crazy because it would make me crazy too. And I just want to thank you for all the work you all do for us. Women are the number one reason I’m not gay and I’m certain gay men appreciate you for that as well.


Taken from Craigslist http://boston.craigslist.org/gbs/rnr/372316449.html